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Thoughts on Growing Up and Older and Being Thankful
I had a fleeting thought the other day. I do not know where it came from. I had just woken up from a nap and perhaps I had a dream that I did not remember. And It did not only come as a thought but also as a feeling in my chest. It was understood fully and deeply like a lightbulb clicking on ‘I will be old and at the end of my life one day’. And as quickly as the feeling came it left even quicker. I played the thought over and over again in my mind throughout the day but it was a hollow sentence with no meaning after that initial moment of clarity.
My dad mentioned in a passing conversation that Otis (his dog) was 8 years old. I was shocked as I always am to realize how long he has had that dog and how long it is that I have lived away from home. There is something about a family pet that seems to measure years for us. Now, Otis is certainly a lovable dog and always has been but I am not much of an animal person and have more recently come around to really enjoying him. I guess my time at home has been so lengthy that he has had time on his side to somewhat win me over with his vain and amorous personality. He thinks that I come home for him and I don’t mind that. But really, I love that dog for so many reasons. And a kind of sadness that some day he will no longer greet me upon my homecomings became very loud in my heart. I was compelled for what ever reason to research to see how long dogs of his type and health typically live for.
It might be strange but it was as if there was something in me that needed to be informed and prepared. When I found the answer through research I calculated that it was a good length of time but time with the people (or animals in this case) we love will never seem long enough. Having lost a dog from my childhood before, I am well aware of the feeling. For me it was more than loosing a dog. It was a reminder that I can’t go back and relive and redo those years. It was a closing of a chapter that I felt was not written well. I didn’t feel ready for the next chapter because the previous wasn’t perfect like I wanted it to be. And it was a silly, golden retriever named Sampson dying that made me feel all of that.
It dawned on me in that quest for calculation that time just seems to go by so fast. It feels so fast that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to catch up. Catch up in apologies for the “should have’s”, catch up in appreciating those I haven’t expressed my appreciation too, catch up in “do overs” and unfinished goals and untaken trips and so many other similar things. But honestly, Life is messy and time does not slow or speed up no matter what we do or don’t do. It is the same length and the same speed as it as always been. No matter if you lived to four hundred or ninety five; our life is a breath.
I will always be growing up and I will never be too “old” to not be still growing up in someway. Sometimes the scariest thing about growing up is watching my parents grow older and older each year. I have many times, thought long and hard about the day my parents will no longer be here on this earth with me. I have thought of the days when my elder leaders will go home as well. I have thought of my brothers, sisters and friends and thought about how some of them might not always be around either. I have at times due to an uncontrolled thought life allowed fear consume me in thinking of these things and I have been at the point of not wanting to love anyone or anything for the knowing that one day they could be gone. It’s no way to live at all. At first all of these things were frightening to me and I let them dictate me.
The reality is, in this life we will loose people we love. Prayerfully, not through tragedy; though it happens. My reason for writing this is not to cause fear or bring any sort of sadness. It is to simply say that I don’t believe God’s desire is for us to “not know what we got till its gone”. Find out while they are still here with you why it is that they are so great and when you think you’ve figured it out, try to figure out more. Be intentional about being thankful for the people in your life. Be intentional about seeing the great things about them and supporting their dreams and loving them passionately. Pray about how to love the people around you in a specific way. Don’t just settle for a book on love languages because no person was created in a formula and therefore no person can be loved, really loved through a formula (and that is why, one of the many reasons why we absolutely need Holy Spirit’s help).
It might sound crazy. But I have decided that I want to know exactly what I got before it’s gone and then after it gone too.
On a end note: Coming from someone who has dealt with the fear of loosing people around me to death. Don’t let that fear or any other fear for that matter control you. You might say that you can’t imagine what you will do or how you will go on or cope. I say this all the time because I know it to be true. Holy Spirit is the Comforter. He is the Counselor. He wants to Comfort you. He wants to Counsel you. Not just figuratively because the bible says that’s who He is… but for real. He will actually counsel you through what seems impossible to live after. And when you need the grace of God to handle loosing someone you love, the grace of God will be there.
Let’s live thankful, my friends.
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Dallas- this used to be my city- I would well up with tears everytime I saw the skyline. I have a new city now. But I still love this city. Today I realized that now that I’ve left, I know it more than when I lived here. I’m encouraged to better appreciate my new city.
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Silly thoughts from a dream I had about a dog.
A scraggly, light brown, long haired, dog wandered into my yard. I’m certain that hunger brought him here and food would keep him … at least for a while.
He has no collar around his neck proving ownership… Only he raises his paw for a shake on command which indicates that he is a trained dog.
From where he came it is unknown to me. Dogs are no good at verbally communicating these things. He sniffs my feet to investigate my whereabouts….with a quick “ahh so you know them” look of satisfaction, he seats himself patiently and confidently in front of me as if he knows from a sniff that I’ll have compassion on him in his hunger. And I try to avoid admitting to my brain that his dog charm is working on me.
I observe him and his manner thoroughly as possible. Seemingly, he is content to be an unowned dog with no tags affixing him to a certain address and name. I imagine from his free spirited demeanor that he grew tired of the domesticated life and went out to seek something more stimulating than the dog tricks silly humans require.
I find scraps for him in the fridge. Once his stomach is full and satisfied he lays down for a bit ,quietly appreciative of the feast I had prepared for him. I am sure that he is trying to decide his next move… but staying and becoming a pet again is probably not in his thoughts, though appetite is the loudest deciding voice for a dog.
He thinks he’s a free dog; but he is still a slave to the kindness of sympathetic people.
If I merely feed him scraps when he comes through, it is charity. But if I name him and buy for him special bags of food, I take ownership. If I take ownership, I begin stewardship (which looks mostly like a bath at this point).
No, I cannot name him unless I give him a name which he is still able to roam free under. In this way, when I call him by that name I will remember that he is not my dog and I am not his master.
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Bill Clinton
Even as a kid I remember this speech shaking me. I still deem it as one of the best speeches given by a president.
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It’s amazing how looking through a box will make you realize how much of life you had forgotten about.
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A line that resonates with my heart.
“But if we’re really honest with ourselves, our plans usually don’t work out as we had hoped. So instead of asking our young people “What are you plans? What do you plan to do with your life?” maybe we should tell them this: Plan to be surprised.” Dan In Real Life.
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Brooke Fraser at the Casbah in San Diego. A fantastic night.
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"Grown ups are always thinking of uninteresting explanations"
C.S. Lewis
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"If my heart were a house you’d be home."
Owl City.
